Who is sleeping with the men who make kissy sounds at women who pass them on the street? Who is validating this? I bet there was one woman who blew one street kisser one time and then that guy told all his friends, and they told theirs, and now guys’re all like, GUYS, THIS IS HOW YOU GET WOMEN TO LIKE YOU: YOU MAKE A SOUND LIKE YOU’RE KISSING THEM WHEN THEY WALK PAST YOU ON THEIR WAY TO WORK. IT REMINDS THEM OF MAKING OUT AND THEN THEY WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU and then there you have it, one woman’s carelessness has ruined it for everybody for all of time. Like people who feed pigeons. Or Digg things.
I woke up today around 4am. As of now, I’m hiding beneath my massive blankets attempting to keep warm, yet deep in my chest I feel a piercing shattering cold pain that keeps me shivering. I’m sick and alone; a combination that scares me. I hate writing about myself because I begin to feel foolish and egotistical. However, my mind has been running wild for sometime now with thoughts and feelings and I’m alone. No strangers’ words charging into the twisted caves of my ear to distract me. Just me and my thoughts. I almost want to crack. You know, that second when you feel that insanity wash over you. Letting it create an imaginary world to filter out the harsh reality of things. And then hypocrisy arises. But I don’t care anymore.
It is a cruel fact to face when you learn that you never had any friends at all. People I have spoken to is a long list, though actual friends that I trust.. I would say none. One once, but in times when you really need them they weren’t there. I would like to blame myself for pushing away potential “real” friends, but that is unfair. Inevitably, my life’s unanticipated events have shaped my actions to some degree.
Humans need people. A horrible and ironic need because it seems that what we need is what hurts us or is it just the mind. I look at the mind as an evil genius; a live creature that manages to avoid all types of blame, yet may be the single source of everyone’s problems. Perception is key I suppose.. And yet, even when I arrive at this conclusion it has changed nothing.
So I ask myself was the risk worth it. Most take one road and say that yes it was worth it even if you failed, but why would it be worth it then? Did I learn a lesson? Never to trust people? Was that actually beneficial or more harmful? No one can deny that I will die whether I want it or not whether you or the next person cares or not so if we let ourselves “suffer” or be, what I consider, artificially happy, does it really matter? Science says no because we will all decompose and become one with the earth in 70 or so years so really your actions never affect your course. But how do I know that? It has been proven. But how? A scientific method perhaps. So what. I’ve been told that a fact is a fact, but what is there really to believe. I have hands they say. It is a fact. But are they really hands. Perhaps, the mind lets us believe what we want. What is there to trust and to believe? Nothing. I could tell you that people lie and so perhaps your fact is but another lie, but what if lies don’t exist? What if truth doesn’t exist? And so these questions prove within themselves that conclusions are technically impossible to arrive to or even perhaps are possible to arrive to though would it be the “correct” answer.
I would say answers are irrelevant as is everything else, yet you will still find me at a wooden desk in two months. Proving that I have proved nothing, perhaps because there was nothing to be proven.
This is how I combat morning depression especially when I’m sick and alone. This, that I am feeling right now, is a happiness that is not ephemeral or electrifying, however its soft resonance strikes a stentorian chord within me that deafens and fends off my demons, yet if I listen closely they are chuckling weakly in the background.